i'm still movin
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
My review of Spinning so far…
It’s fun! And intense! I love the way the teachers push and motivate you. It’s like you reach levels that you may not reach on your own. It takes guts, commitment, and willing to leave whatever you used to know, behind.
To move into a new realm, would be to move into a new way of thinking. To move excitedly, and free.
But that will have to wait.
I train because I must.
I give myself no other option.
I put myself into a place of pressure to be better, …but talk about passive resistance! Sometimes, all I want to do is give up. I want to make it as if I can push to the point that my emotions will let me. You have to block out all the negativity. All the lyrics of the song. And run to the beat.
Today, I was imagining racing on the track.
And I Imagined running with my instructor.
But we were not doing either of these things. We were spinning still, stationary, to the beat of music.
Is that messed up or what?
I lax on the job search. It’s like I carry the weight of my parents retirementon my shoulders. But it’s more of a do whatever the fuck I want, when I want. It causes psychic phenomenon when I am idle - and around functioning people. They respond, people, who are searching for the same genuine connections I am, they can’t help but:
#1. Stop and turn around.
#2. Do/react to what I am thinking, or saying.
It’s like I carry the energy of where I spent time with me. It makes sense. It’s just annoying.
I would like to treat people with respect. And kindness. Who doesn’t like that?
But why do I have so much fight in me, that wants to yell, scream, shout, dance like mad. I guess they are just moods. But man, they can be hard to fight. So I keep it in as much as I can. I refuse to take meds. I try to be around people that I like, or want to be like. I try to make sense of it all.
But when it comes down to it, I am lost without direction, or sense of purpose.
I crave adventure and freedom.
It’s like I want to be in the mix of it all, the show, the mascarade. But I want to be silent, observing, not creepy-like, just taking in the experience, and not necessarily contributing to it. Is that my purpose?
I don’t think that’s right. I think we are meant to co-create the world, and give back, just as much we are given. It’s like a Scale of sorts. Balance, give and take.
But when I turn to my physical pursuit, it relieves stress, and makes me feel Confident.
Not successful.
Or
Happy - yes it does. I can’t lie about that.
Do I
have anything good to say?
No. But this will be one more diary entry in my long list of random likes.
I have begun a routine of spinning, and I don’t like it. HAH.
I like the activity of moving, but it is not my ideal form of exercise.
Spiritually, no.
I crave Vitamin D!
That’s the sun if you don’t know.
A Note on SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES.
I’ve begun the habit of not always speaking what is on my mind, but rather, thinking before what I say, or what I want to say>
It’s survival mechanism in action.
I want to start my own artisitic dream. But I don’t know what it is, or if I am too idealistic to even begin an artistic career. So I start by creating, and using what is available to me.
I make sure my parents are okay.
Then, I take care of the house. I make sure that it is okay.
Thenn, I take care of myself. I make sure I’m okay. I condition, eat well.
Thennnnnn, I find something else to do… this grayness is not fun, its wandering, random. There’s gotta be a way to make sense of it all.
me.
The Sheep
Sheep simply want a bit of peace. They enjoy carrying on with life in their own quiet, individual way, content to be in the middle of it all rather than to be leading it. Sheep are quiet and calm people. They enjoy cultural things and focus much of their energy on artistic hobbies. Sheep are easygoing and relaxed, happy to be going with the flow.
Years of the Sheep
Sheep Years are eighth in the cycle following the Horse Years, and recur every twelfth year. The Chinese New Year does not fall on a specific date, so it is essential to check the calendar to find the exact date on which each Sheep Year actually begins.
1907*1919*1931*1943*1955*1967*1979*1991*2003
THE SIGN OF THE SHEEP
Sheep are nurturers. They enjoy taking care of other people. Like their animal counterpart, Sheep people are pretty calm individuals. Their personalities are quiet, reserved and soothing. They like to be in the company of others but do not wish to be in the middle of everything. They like standing in the back, watching contently from the sidelines, as others dazzle the company. Sheep will generally do better than they are aware because they are so good at keeping the peace and accomplishing the tasks at hand.
SHEEP FACTS:
People born in the Year of the Sheep share certain characteristics. The Sheep Sign is an abbreviated way of characterizing that individual’s personality. Following are features associated with the Sign of the Sheep.
Eight in order, Chinese name—YANG, sign of the arts
Hour—1pm-2:59pm Month—July
Western Counterpart—Cancer
CHARACTERISTICS
Smart. Artistic, Kind, Happy, Reserved, Insecure, Dependent
IN YOUR ELEMENT
The characteristics of the Sheep are tempered by one of the five Chinese elements of Metal, Water, Wood, Fire and Earth overlaying a 5-year cycle of characteristics on the original 12-year cycle.
THE METAL SHEEP 1931 AND 1991
Sheep often display a tough exterior to protect the fragile interior they are notorious for. Close friends and family of the Metal Sheep understand this is simply a front for those sensitive emotions tucked inside. Sheep can sometimes treat others the way they feel instead of the way they wish to be treated which can lead to a tendency to be overprotective and vulnerable. Metal Sheep, more than other Sheep, are culturally stimulated and hold a deep passion for the arts.
not me.
The Horse
Exciting and extroverted, vivid and animated, the Horse is the life of any party he attends. He is bursting with energy, always looking for the next place to kick up his heels and hang loose. He entertains friends and strangers alike with his humor and appeal.
Years of the Horse
Horse Years are seventh in the cycle, following the Snake Years, and recur every twelfth year. The Chinese New Year does not fall on a specific date, so it is essential to check the calendar to find the exact date on which each Horse Year actually begins.
1906*1918*1930*1942*1954*1966*1978*1990*2002
THE SIGN OF THE HORSE
Horse people are extemporaneous and quick-witted. They are quite intelligent and use their practicality to their advantage in their business and personal lives. Their sharpness makes them quick to pick up new skills and are able to handle many tasks at one time. However, this ambition can be harmful because Horse people often don’t finish what they start for fear of missing out on the next big challenge.
Horses are trustworthy, friendly and open-minded. They are good friends to have and will always be honest with you. Although they are good confidants, Horse people do enjoy their alone time and are usually independent people. They can struggle with obstinance and self-centeredness, which can lead to a flare of the temper if they don’t get their way. Usually, after an episode or temper-tantrum a Horse can feel remorse, yet not all people will be able to forgive their reaction.
HORSE FACTS:
People born in the Year of the Horse share certain characteristics. The Horse Sign is an abbreviated way of characterizing that individual’s personality. Following are features associated with the Sign of the Horse.
Seventh in order, Chinese name—MA, sign of enthusiasm and elegance
Hour—11am-12:59pm Month—June
Western Counterpart—Gemini
CHARACTERISTICS
Self-reliant, Joyful, Outgoing, Sophisticated, Greedy, Resilient, Arrogant
IN YOUR ELEMENT
The characteristics of the Horse are tempered by one of the five Chinese elements of Metal, Water, Wood, Fire and Earth overlaying a 5-year cycle of characteristics on the original 12-year cycle.
THE METAL HORSE 1930 AND 1990
The Metal Horse loves to roam. He is self-sufficient and treasures his freedom and liberation. Any type of committed situation is sure to send this Horse running for the hills, so a stable relationship is certainly not his idea of a priority. Horses change jobs and partners frequently because of their need for adventure and their desire to tap into the unknown. This vigor and untamed spirit draws people to the Horse. The Metal Horse will make a better friend than partner because a friendship doesn’t tie him down the way a relationship does
Balance.
I BELIEVE in Balance. But how? In what ways do I create, display, show, and urge Balance in my daily life. With others?
An inward journey. You virgos can relate. Or any philosoph, writer, artist. They know what I mean. An inward journey of the heart. An outward journey of the mind. Continually spinning and re-examing. Where to find love. Right next to me? But to give up everything I have trained for - just for one experience - with someone I know nothing about. I’m only 21. Don’t lead me on.
I write for the pleasure of it. I write to expose my MIND. But to have it alter, resume, become something more??? Never. It stays the same. UNTIL YOU CHALLENGE your mind with a task it has not completed before, THAT is when you gain a new …piece of knowledge, …a new piece of literature. But it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, a Circular system. You cannot be in a library, without people funding, building, creating the library. You cannot go to a school with study, and write without parents facilitating, encouraging the experience. And this is where I draw the line - in the Grayness, and things become black and white, only for a little, until the waters are muddied again in the next moment….
Grayness. Black, and white. My mother once told me to respect a woman. My father said the same. Now what if you perceive respect as being kind, gentle, and the woman, your lover, says for you to hurt her, or beat her.
What the fuck do you do now?
What the fuck kind of relationship did I just enter?
What happened to all those years of schooling, and paradise-dreaming. All because she got bored, and wanted something different? Fuck that. Fuckin psychological. Just love me for who I am. Change something, your hair, my hair, but to hurt you?
Things like scratching, biting, pushing up against walls.
Heck, Darkness man!!
What did I sign up for, and continue to let bother me. I can’t lie to myself. I know what I want. But THAT is the ONLY type of relationship I knew. And it was close to home. Local. Organic. …Stinky…
…2 weeks later, I found out she had Ovarian cysts.
She had cancer too, but what does that mean? We both were Cancers. She just knew how to show it off in such a way that made me want her more.
Lustful. Not ‘love’-ful.
I will re-direct you to the two diagrams in my last post. Or second to last post. One is of a GOOD Cancer Crab. And a list of good, positive traits. These are good. These are the ones YOU, MAX, need to be like. In the bedroom, and out of the bedroom. PERIOD.
